Excuse me, could you please…?
The gives and takes of helping a person, do they matter before we choose to offer assistance to someone or back out of it? Why do they have to matter and to what extent?
The above questions are just two among scores of others that pop into my head whenever I am posed with the situation of helping someone. The process of helping isn’t nearly as conflicting as choosing whether to do it or not, for me. To understand the chain of events, I think of the decision as largely dependent on “the history” between the asker and the helper and “the effect” it would have on the events from then on.
The HISTORY
I remember the words of Dumbledore to Harry, “Help would always be given in Hogwarts to those who deserve it.” I feel it is the history between two people that we usually consider most when deciding if a person is deserving of our help. For instance, a psychotic self-centred ex-friend would generally not be worthy in most people’s eyes of their help. The bygones are often not seen as bygones and if anything, a person asking for help after bad times just takes the opposite person through all those bad times once again. The short and most visible bridge in that situation is to just refuse. Some would choose to do it politely by giving an excuse while others prefer to give it back in the face. Either way the effect of history is just so concrete that even an opportunity to rectify past wrongs is not taken by us. Maybe we just choose to believe that it is not gonna change anything in that person or that we are just being used. The only things we are sure of are those that have already happened and we end up taking it as a yardstick for things that lie ahead, regardless of lack of any rational link. The prospect of positive change buckles under the weight of our pasts.
But there are many who just do not allow this to happen. They are genuinely optimistic of good things making bad things disappear. Kind-hearted doesn’t even begin to describe such people. If you’ve got someone like that, I’d suggest doing everything you can to keep them close.
The EFFECT
Help, sadly, in today’s social context is also an investment for many of us, including me (If it somehow escaped attention, I am no saint.). The expectation we have from those whom we help is taken for granted. We try to be in the good books of others for our future gains. On top of it we pretend to be happy to help others. It is enough for us to appear charitable in others’ eyes without actually being so. The word ‘social blackmail’ is not entirely incorrect to describe such a situation. In needy times, we go down this rabbit hole for we don’t have any alternative. Why, we also know what awaits us on the other side if we are helped by such an individual. Why would we knowingly dig a hole to bury ourselves in? Again, this is a tough ask and tough to answer as well.But there are many who just do not allow this to happen. They are genuinely optimistic of good things making bad things disappear. Kind-hearted doesn’t even begin to describe such people. If you’ve got someone like that, I’d suggest doing everything you can to keep them close.
“0H! YEAH, SURE. ANYTIME”
Aren’t these words exactly what we want to hear from the person who helps us? Granted, we hear it from those who don’t mean it at all. But I am talking about those who DO mean it literally. They are aware of the history and are not optimistic of any positive change. They are perfectly fine knowing they are being used because they are happy to be at least worth ‘that’. They choose to help even though they are fully capable of giving excuses to avoid it. And being aware of bad history they sometimes even have valid reason to give it back in that person’s face. They don’t do any of this and instead help unconditionally, not because of lack of self-respect or to gain social leverage of any kind. It is simply because the other person asked for it.
I had this recent episode when a person asked me for a small help. The history between us would suggest that I have to have been the last person he/she would ask. I had my wrongs and so did the other person I feel. But I helped anyways (Not at all a magnanimous act). The reason why I did help was because I put myself in the opposite position. I for one would find it so tough to ask someone who has done wrong by me for a help. But since this person did exactly that, I respected them for it. (Even though they did so for their own benefit.)
I believe the truest sense of the word “help” is to just make something better for someone else without getting anything in return. It is a gift you give and keep giving without any expectations. The only thing of comfort is to know that you made something easier for someone. I just can’t think of a better way to sum up than the scene in Harry Potter when Dumbledore rephrased his own saying, “Help will always be given at Hogwarts to those who ask for it.”
So if someone asks you for a help, just do it if it doesn’t hurt in any way. If it hurts, help them anyways.
